Disappointment

Helping Your Child Deal with Disappointment

As a parent, it is difficult to see your child struggle with disappointment. Every parent wants the best for their children. Every parent wants life to be easier for their child than it was for them. When your child feels let down because they didn’t make the soccer team or didn’t get the part in the play that they tried out for, we feel the need to scoop in and rescue them; to fill the void with something else…happiness perhaps. As a mom, I have a desire to ease the hurt when my children are sad, but there is an important question we need to ask. Are we helping or hurting our children when we automatically rush in to ease their angst?

Parents sometimes try to hard to shield their child from feeling anything negative that they create an environment where the child is cushioned. Say, for example, you have gotten into a bad habit of buying your child a candy bar each time you go to the grocery store. You have made a conscious decision to change this habit, but now feel like you are taking something away from your child. You feel tied to the habit because you do not want your child to feel disappointed.

Sometimes, such as when a child is small, it is important to be there quickly when a child feels disappointment. At young ages, children actually need us to help them learn to deal with what they are feeling. Say, for example, your three-year-old has a play date set up which she has been looking forward to all morning. At the last minute, the playmate has to cancel, leaving your child feeling sad. Your child will need you to listen as they express their feelings and assure them that it is okay that they feel that way. Sometimes this interaction will be all that is required for them to move on. Some children and some situations will need a little more encouragement from the parent to get the day back on track. Suggesting an activity you can do together or setting a new time for the playdate will probably be enough for your child to stop dwelling on their disappointment and move on with their day.

As your child gets older, it is just as important to listen when your child needs to express themselves. Whatever the disappointment, generally the child just needs you to validate their feelings. “It’s okay that you feel disappointed that you can’t go to the birthday party. I’m sorry you feel that way. I don’t like to see you sad.” This type in interaction is a healthy way for your child to release his/her feelings and also build a strong foundation of communication between you. A child who feels like his feelings are accepted are more likely to come to you next time they need someone to talk to. If a child feels like you aren’t willing or able to listen to them, they will stop communicating with you.

When a child reaches school age and beyond, it is time to start letting them find their own solutions. Although you still want to be there to listen and offer support, it is time for them to own their feelings and figure out ways to deal with them. At this level, it is important for parents not to “rescue” the child by distracting them from their feelings or trying to replace the disappointment with instant happiness. Ask yourself, “Do you offer up ice cream or hand out an extra hour of tv time because your child is feeling disappointed about something?” Parents who help their children deal with disappointment by rescuing them, buying them material objects or allowing them special privileges, are failing to help their children build the skills they will need to deal with disappointment when they are on their own in the real world.

The fact is that we all deal with disappointment. It is a fact of life. Not everything is going to go our way all of the time. As parents, we can facilitate our children’s ability to cope with life’s disappointments by starting when they are young. As much as we would like to avoid the suffering for our children, if we protect them from ever feeling, and therefore learning to cope with, disappointment, they will not be able to adapt as adults.

The ability to cope with disappointment is a gift that we can give our children. Although it is difficult to watch them struggle during the process, the gift will payoff in the long run when they don’t get the job they wanted, or are forced to cancel a vacation. The younger you start teaching these skills to your children, the better attitude they will have as they maneuver through adolescence and into independent adulthood.