Friday, November 21, 2008

Just One Good Book...Please?

The seemingly simple task of picking out a library book is anything but with three kids in tow. Gone are the days of lingering in the new book section, reading the cover and giving heavy consideration to each book summary. My current technique is more of a quantity over quality method in which I quickly grab several books that grab my attention at any level while holding one child and keeping the other two from dragging books off the shelves. The problem with this technique is that when I get home and find an opportunity to peruse my hasty grabs, I usually end up with an eclectic blend of choices along the lines of “Benjamin Franklin, the School Years”, “The History of Egypt” and “One Woman’s Journey; a Transsexual’s Story”.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Sorry if I'm Neglecting You

I've been working on my other two sites and adding articles to my ehow account. Check out my "how-to" articles at www.ehow.com. Above the search box, click on the 'members' then type in ehowwriter (that's me). Click on ehowwriter when it comes up and it will list all of my articles. Let me know what you think and send me ideas. It could mean money in my pocket. Thanks for your support!

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Lacking in Hours

I remember being on maternity leave with my first child, eagerly making lists, and more lists....and more lists; the long term projects I wanted to complete such as organizing pictures into albums and cleaning out the shoe closet; the short term goals of vacuuming, making dinner, and cleaning the bathroom. I oozed optimism at all of the things I would get done before I went back to work.

In short order, however, I realized that I was incredibly overly optimistic in my goal setting. I started getting frustrated that on Wednesday, I was still crossing things off Monday's list. I eventually learned to only list the really important errands and possibly an extra goal or two.

With even more experience, the list dwindled to include:
1. feed, change, and bathe baby
2. try to eat and shower

Finally, I found success...well, most days.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

"Necessity" Defined

In this world of "Keeping up with the Jones", we often get caught up in the vicious cycle of working more, to buy more things. At the same time, we feel that we deserve nice things because we work hard. My question is a simple one; What are the necessities in your house?

With our recent 40% decrease in household income, this question comes up daily. However, our answer is likely very different from yours.


Is it cable tv? Internet? (obviously this one is for me if I ever hope to make money at it), chocolate?, gym membership? kids activities? eating out at least once a week? newspaper subscription?


A friend was having financial struggles a while back and asked my advice about how to make cut backs. We discussed cancelling the cell phone and gym membership. For her, those were not options. She used the phone for work and the gym was "necessary" because she had a job which kept her in the social eye, plus it was an outlet for frustration and stress.


Over the last month, we have concluded that we can do without 80% of what I might have called a necessity a few months ago. The basic list for us has dwindled down to food, gas, our family vacation next August, err, wine (that's bad right?), and love...it's a good thing some things in life are still free.

Welcome

Dutchie and Sarabhf. Thanks for joining. I hope you enjoy my site!

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Ways of the Gender World

As the morning light of this Veteran's Day skirmed its way into my room, it did not take long to figure out that my vivid dreams, stuffy head, and jackhammer in the brain were all symptoms of the cold my husband apparantly shared with me over the weekend.

Another sign was that I actually thought of Advil before I thought of coffee. Once armed with both, however, I crawled back into bed to close my eyes and wait for the Advil to squelch the pain in my sinuses.

My daughter, being in the Girl Scouts, was participating in the local Veteran's Day parade and had an obligation to meet up with her group early this morning. As I lay in bed cursing the little people of the night who moved into my temples uninvited, I waited to hear the sounds of hurried preparations. Yeah, right. Must still be dreaming. In my fog, I found myself hopeful that my husband or children might actually have the self-discipline and motivation to get themselves ready for the activities of the day.

In the end, not surprisingly, I finally managed to pull myself to an upright position, move all relevent parties through breakfast and the layering of clothes, deliver said daughter to the drop point, grab a special treat of donuts, save a spot along the parade route, and return to retrieve the rest of the family. My husband was present and helpful for my specific requests, but no one seemed to be able to actually take a step unassisted by my direct requests.

While we eventually managed to get all the wagons aimed in the same direction, me holding one temple with counterpressure all the way, I still keep asking the same question. Why is it that when the husband is sick, he can choose to stay in bed, watch football, or moan and pout like a three year old, but when it is the mom whose under the weather, she is allowed only the luxury of one hand with which to nurse herself because the other is still required to hold up the world around her?

Saturday, November 8, 2008

What Did You Accomplish This Week?

It seems like every time I have cause to stop and think about what I actually did during the last week, I come up a blank. I know there are a lot of hours to fill, so I must have accomplished SOMETHING, right? In anticipation of posting this blog, I paid special attention this week to what I spent my time doing. I was surprised at the results. In addition to laundry and dishes, homework and bedtime stories, the following is my list of accomplishments for the week:

1) Made homemade bread--2 loaves with one being a braided french loaf
2) Made homemade granola bars--I love them, not sweet enough for the kids
3) Made homemade laundry detergent-- Brian helped with this one, so I guess it's only 1/2 a point
4) Made butter for the first time--no hand churning required
5) Created a new blog website, updated the content daily and acquired 5 followers
6) Took on another carpool day for the week

Those are the ones that stand out. So now it's your turn. What are your accomplishments for the week? Did you get your flu vaccination? Nurture a sick child, cash in the mound of cans in the garage? Finally clean out the inbox on your desk or in your email? Let us know!

Friday, November 7, 2008

Children's games

Do you think you should always let young children win at board and backyard games?

Disappointment

Helping Your Child Deal with Disappointment

As a parent, it is difficult to see your child struggle with disappointment. Every parent wants the best for their children. Every parent wants life to be easier for their child than it was for them. When your child feels let down because they didn’t make the soccer team or didn’t get the part in the play that they tried out for, we feel the need to scoop in and rescue them; to fill the void with something else…happiness perhaps. As a mom, I have a desire to ease the hurt when my children are sad, but there is an important question we need to ask. Are we helping or hurting our children when we automatically rush in to ease their angst?

Parents sometimes try to hard to shield their child from feeling anything negative that they create an environment where the child is cushioned. Say, for example, you have gotten into a bad habit of buying your child a candy bar each time you go to the grocery store. You have made a conscious decision to change this habit, but now feel like you are taking something away from your child. You feel tied to the habit because you do not want your child to feel disappointed.

Sometimes, such as when a child is small, it is important to be there quickly when a child feels disappointment. At young ages, children actually need us to help them learn to deal with what they are feeling. Say, for example, your three-year-old has a play date set up which she has been looking forward to all morning. At the last minute, the playmate has to cancel, leaving your child feeling sad. Your child will need you to listen as they express their feelings and assure them that it is okay that they feel that way. Sometimes this interaction will be all that is required for them to move on. Some children and some situations will need a little more encouragement from the parent to get the day back on track. Suggesting an activity you can do together or setting a new time for the playdate will probably be enough for your child to stop dwelling on their disappointment and move on with their day.

As your child gets older, it is just as important to listen when your child needs to express themselves. Whatever the disappointment, generally the child just needs you to validate their feelings. “It’s okay that you feel disappointed that you can’t go to the birthday party. I’m sorry you feel that way. I don’t like to see you sad.” This type in interaction is a healthy way for your child to release his/her feelings and also build a strong foundation of communication between you. A child who feels like his feelings are accepted are more likely to come to you next time they need someone to talk to. If a child feels like you aren’t willing or able to listen to them, they will stop communicating with you.

When a child reaches school age and beyond, it is time to start letting them find their own solutions. Although you still want to be there to listen and offer support, it is time for them to own their feelings and figure out ways to deal with them. At this level, it is important for parents not to “rescue” the child by distracting them from their feelings or trying to replace the disappointment with instant happiness. Ask yourself, “Do you offer up ice cream or hand out an extra hour of tv time because your child is feeling disappointed about something?” Parents who help their children deal with disappointment by rescuing them, buying them material objects or allowing them special privileges, are failing to help their children build the skills they will need to deal with disappointment when they are on their own in the real world.

The fact is that we all deal with disappointment. It is a fact of life. Not everything is going to go our way all of the time. As parents, we can facilitate our children’s ability to cope with life’s disappointments by starting when they are young. As much as we would like to avoid the suffering for our children, if we protect them from ever feeling, and therefore learning to cope with, disappointment, they will not be able to adapt as adults.

The ability to cope with disappointment is a gift that we can give our children. Although it is difficult to watch them struggle during the process, the gift will payoff in the long run when they don’t get the job they wanted, or are forced to cancel a vacation. The younger you start teaching these skills to your children, the better attitude they will have as they maneuver through adolescence and into independent adulthood.

This is a learning experience!

It seems rediculous the amount of hours I have put into a very simple blog site. I am sure it will get easier as it goes... Anyone with advice on how to add more subjects, pages, etc, etc, etc, go ahead and jump on in here!

Please be sure to look at the comments after each blog, 'cause that's what keeps the conversation going. You can either click on comments to read and reply or click on the name of the article on the left hand side and it will bring the comments up following the blog text. This will also work if you click on the title. I finally figured how to attach an email notification under the comment box. It SHOULD send you an email when new posts are added. Please let me know if this is working for you. Thanks for your support while I muddle through a steep learning curve!

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Supermom

We all know her, she's that mom that's got it all together. She is organized and creative; her children are polite and well dressed. The house is always clean, with even the kids' rooms looking like "Good Housekeeping" is on their way over for a photo shoot. She serves hot, healthy meals every day of the week, even after shuttling the kids to every activity on the planet. She never complains and never seems tired. She is patient, tolerant, and blissfully happy to be honored with the role of mom. This is the mom who always finds time to volunteer in each childs' class, never misses a recital, game, belt test, spelling bee, concert, or graduation. Often, she works full time and seems to create a fountain of energy the rest of us struggle for. While I'm trying to peel my grumpy eyelids open, she's been up for two hours, her house already clean and a hot breakfast in route to the table.

Okay, so as over the top as that description is, there is that perception of the perfect mom that we all seem to strive for. But, get real, if such a person existed, she would have to be a robot. Besides, is a perfectly clean house the sign of a "Super Mom"? Is it a mom who works, or a mom who stays home? Is it a mom who spends every waking moment scheduling and directing their kids or is it the mom who gently guides and then lets her kids make their own mistakes and create their own path in life? Being a mom is the most exhausing, exhilerating and emotional job ever created. It is a lifelong learning experience that we will NEVER get perfect.

So, how is it that some mom's make it look easy? You know, the ones who seem to have endless energy, boundless patience, and limitless creativity? We see the best in them, because those are the moms who "get it". They understand that we are all doing the best we can regardless of our circumstances. They understand that we are all Super Moms because we care, we try, we learn, we grow, we teach, and we're there. They understand that there is no such thing as Supermom, but we are all Super Moms.

Keeping the Sanity

If you are blessed enough to already have at least one child in the world, I challenge you to reach into the depths of your memory and try to remember before you had kids. When I think back, I think, no, I FEEL the optimism I felt about having children. My kids would be the cutest, most well behaved, smartest, and strongest. All skills would come easily to them, but they would be courteous, respectful, helpful, and disciplined.

Fast forward ten years and my life is complete chaos. Each day is a dead sprint from the time I drag myself out of bed (assuming I was actually IN my bed all night), until that sacred point in which I get to propel myself back into said place of rest.

I struggle to remember at what point my life transitioned from the wholly optimistic to the wholly chaotic. Near as I can tell, it was sometime between when my first baby slept through the night in his own bed at barely three months old and when my youngest child still struggled with the same task at four years of age.

My mornings are a blur of breakfast, dishes, laundry, collecting of school supplies and permission slips and the sweet, sacred cup of coffee which is the life in my veins before 7:30 a.m. The hurried pace continues with classroom volunteering, field trips, grocery shopping, cleaning house, and pet maintenance. Evenings are the true test of motherhood. After 10 hours of marathon-like activity, the real day begins; dinner, carpools, activities, homework, showers, books and bedtime.

It is a wonder I ever know what day of the week it is, oh wait, I rarely do! Most days that little square on the calendar is not nearly big enough to be up to the tasks of the day. Most Wednesdays, for example, the 'little box' contains the following list of text:
Child #3 snack
school early release
Child #2 Girl Scouts
Child #1 Play date
Carpool to gymnastics


Whew, I feel better. When I put it in print, at least I feel I have earned the heavy wave of fatigue that pummels me 15 minutes after the kids are in bed!

Even though the innocent images of being curled in my husbands' arms, swaying gently in a backyard swing while the children play blissfully nearby can be related to my life with the equality of a million dollar mansion, the reality is so much better. For each challenge, of which there are many, makes me stronger, wiser, more skilled, and more appreciative than I was the day before.

Isolation

Since the idea of this blog is to get moms to reach out to each other, to express honestly and without judgement the highs and lows of parenting, I will start with the topic that begins the withdrawal from mainstream for most mothers...isolation.

The feeling might stem from a physical barrier, such as living in the country or having a sick child that you need to keep at home. The feeling of isolation might also come from the sense that no one knows what you are going through. A new mom might feel inadaquate over her inability to get even the most basic of tasks done. A mother with grown children may be a full-time caregiver to her own aging parents.

Mothers who work might feel guilt. Mothers who stay home might feel like others don't see that they have a "real job". Perhaps your best friend really doesn't understand because she doesn't have children yet. Maybe you are an older parent who's friends no longer have young children.

Whatever the circumstances that are causing you to feel isolated from friends, family, co-workers or clients, it is important to know that there are millions of other women who have gone through or are going through the same thing. Maybe your best friend, husband, or mother can't offer the support you need, but there are many others who can. You must take the step to reach out and find mothers who can relate to your situation.

The internet is a one option. There are chat rooms, blogs, and online support groups where you can anonomously share your feelings. When my children were younger, I felt it helpful to journal about the frustrations of parenting, but by writing to myself, I didn't get the feedback that helped me to understand how common the feeling of isolation was among other mothers. Once I discovered online chat rooms with other moms, it did wonders to hear someone say, "I know how you feel." or "I feel the same way."

Joining Forces

Perhaps the events of the recent Presidential election have had more of a profound effect on me than I realized. It is no small task for the first African-American President Elect to accomplish what Barack Obama has accomplished...with the aid of his wife supporting him of course. I refer to the old saying that, "Behind every great man is a great woman."

My goal with this blog is no smaller is scale than the uphill battle the Obamas have faced for the last two years. My goal is to unite mothers along a common thread. That thread being motherhood.

So often in our crazy, over scheduled, do everything ourselves lives, we lose track of the fact that there is a vast support system in the world that understands, empathizes, and shares in the triumphs and sorrows that we experience each day.

I hope that by presenting my bits of knowledge and experience, that I can attract a gathering of ideas, support, and encouragement to share with other moms. Please join me in taking the first steps to reach across devisive barriers and embrace other moms just because we share that common bond....we are all moms.